Corona Virus Diaries
Returning back home under the current circumstances has led to a renegotiation of normalcy.
“What was something that made you smile today?”
I watch as Manvinder laughs at my question on my computer screen. She gives me a smile before answering. “I don’t even know what’s happened today.”
There is only a brief pause before she recalls a fun moment she had just shared with her family. She explains to me how, while her dad heads out for work most days, her mother and two siblings stay at home. That day, the four of them were working on rearranging Manvinder’s room for a webinar.
“And then, I don’t know what someone did, but I started pinching them. And I am very good at pinching. So, I’m the oldest and my siblings are younger than me. And they were – I guess they were doing something annoying or something. I started pinching them and then I pinched my mom and they were like ‘Whoa you’re so good at pinching!’. I guess that’s like my line of defense.”
She continues to smile into the screen as she recounts the moment shared between her family.
“My mom was like “I have a nickname we could use for her” […] She was trying so hard to suppress her laughter. And she came up with Pinchy Girl.”
Manvinder laughs after sharing her new nickname.
“You really took a pause and were like ‘I’m going to give you the best nickname ever’. And you came up with Pinchy Girl? She died laughing. She thought it was the funniest thing ever. I guess that wouldn’t have happened if we were not in quarantine.”
This pandemic has required many of us to adjust to a new way of living, In order to do our part in reducing the spread of COVID-19. We have been asked to limit our physical interactions, to work from home, to reduce the amount of time we spend outside, to wear masks and gloves whenever we do step out our front doors. People have been asked to reduce their physical social circles significantly, which ideally does not extend beyond the confines of the home. While these regulations are justified, and do help in reducing the spread of COVID-19, it does not change the fact that society as a whole is shifting the way in which it runs. For some, this transition is greater than others.
Those with job security and a home they have settled into may find themselves struggling to adjust to a work-at-home schedule and being more conscientious of groceries. In contrast, with big cities like Toronto effectively shutting down, save for essential services, the cost of living stays the same and reasons to stay in the city have certainly dwindled. It has not been uncommon for students and young adults to return to their family homes to wait out the storm. Constantly being home, especially upon returning there, requires folks to renegotiate relationships and re-establish boundaries. For Manvinder, the trip back home to her parents meant packing up her things and heading across provinces.
She transitioned from renting a room in a Hamilton apartment to her family home in Winnipeg. Her room in Hamilton was already furnished, and her relationship with her roommates was that of, well, roommates. But now, she is back in Winnipeg, in a full house with her parents and two siblings, where the doors are always open. Her space is no longer rented, it is hers to mould.
“I kind of, made [my room in Winnipeg] my own. I think in Hamilton – I’ve been living at the same place for two years. I don’t really like it. I never really made it mine. […] I never really liked that space.”
But Manvinder has been away from home for two years now. And some things have changed.
“This is also, not even my room. This is my brother’s room. He took my room when I moved out.”
That was her first act of re-negotiating space.
This time, Manvinder said she was determined to make the space she lived in her space.
“I thought it was really important for me to actually make it my own. And, like, put up my books, and clean. Unpack my suitcase, have my books nicely organized.”
Returning back home under the current circumstances has led to a renegotiation of normalcy. One cannot just adopt the same dynamics they would when home for the holidays. Nor can the inhabitants expect to be able to move through the space the same way they did before others returned home. There are more bodies in the house, more things to consider. Adjusting is necessary. The overall air of uncertainty makes it difficult to gage what things we can hold on to and what must be let go as time goes on. It has been difficult to tell when things will lighten up as the tentative end of the pandemic continues to be pushed farther and farther back. This is particularly prevalent when it comes to plans around travelling and moving. Unlike previous trips home, this time around, your ability to return to your ‘regular’ life is not guaranteed, because there is no ‘regular’ life to return to.
When asked about how she found the transition of moving back in indefinitely, Manvinder replied, “The longest time I usually come home for is winter break, and that’s three weeks. By the third week I am, like, done. Like, I want to go back to Hamilton.”
However, the notable difference between a holiday visit and a return for quarantine is our commitments. The pandemic may have put our social outings on hold, but school and work are still ongoing. Being back home this time is not purely a vacation with festivities and catching up, to expect so would be impractical. The new dynamic splits time at home between work and family. In turn, new lines must be drawn.
“Setting boundaries and following through with those boundaries, I think, has been really important for me. Because when I usually do come home, I have nothing to do.”
But this time, there are things to do. Manvinder notes that there are challenges which arise with her working from her family home.
“I am always in a space where I can be distracted.”
Much like most distractions, Manvinder’s are not ‘bad’, they just bleed into her work time. She describes her relationship with her family and siblings as a close one. Her younger brother in particular, is very comfortable walking into her room and asking for hugs or to spend time with her. She expresses that the closeness of their relationships initially made it difficult to set those boundaries between work and family time. Her siblings would have no qualms with walking into her room to start up a conversation or just hang out. Her door was perceived as both literally and metaphorically open, which can make drawing lines between work and socializing with family difficult. Particularly when she does enjoy spending time with her family.
“You can’t just walk into my room and ask for hugs or ask to hang out, and it is really sweet but I’m working.” When asked how her brother handled it, Manvinder said, “He’s very understanding, I just need to set those boundaries.”
The challenge was not so much the distraction itself but merely communicating one’s needs for the day. Instead of her time being spent purely with family or purely on work, Manvinder has found a balance between the two. Having both work and family time provides the opportunity to take a break from one or the other. She remarks that as a result, working from home has “been less strenuous.”
Having to renegotiate relationships under the current circumstances can be stressful. However, in being home it is possible to have certain conversations in person that could not be had over the phone. For Manvinder, she finds that returning home after spending the past few years away has given her a new perspective on her familial relationships.
“I think that [we are] renegotiating relationships in that we get to know each other better.”
Her past two years away from home has provided her the opportunity to expand her understanding of the world. Academia and general young adulthood are often full of new experiences with people who understand the world in different ways. For Manvinder, this has given her the opportunity to open dialogues with those people and her approach to conversations prioritizes understanding the other side. In turn, the way in which she views and relates to her family members has shifted. There exists more space to understand one another because there has been space to grow independent of one another.
“Even understanding that the people in my immediate family are people. Because I think sometimes in my house, we forget, and we think we can talk to each other in whatever way. […] That everything we do is out of love. That I’m saying these things to you because I love you and I want the best for you. But it might not be the best way to communicate stuff, and it’s not how I communicate with my friends.”
As we discuss the importance of communication in relationships, the conversation shifts and Manvinder has a personal relationship with language, having grown up in a house where there exists a language barrier between her and her parents. Her first language is English, but for her parents, it’s Punjabi. She expresses her frustration with the inability to capture nuances when translating languages.
“I don’t think language can ever be fully translated and understood by someone who doesn’t speak it natively. […] There’s an essence of it that you’re missing when you’re not living in the language or haven’t ever lived in the language. Which is fine, it doesn’t exclude anyone from discussing it or conversing with it. I think it’s just, like, something that should be acknowledged.”
Language is a finicky thing. It is difficult to master without practical experience. We each carry our own understandings of a word’s definition that is shaped by our experiences. After spending two years away from home, Manvinder has returned with a new perspective that lets her navigate conversations in a way that she might not have chosen to before. As a result, it seems as though her and her parents are understanding one another better. In Manvinder’s words, she has gotten better at “understanding the positionalities of her parents.”
The result is being able to have those nuanced conversations, even with the language barrier. There is an effort on both sides to meet the other halfway. There is a patience and understanding between them of where the other is coming from.“It helps in communication, in us understanding each other better, and us having a better relationship with each other. Because I think there is effort on both sides. I think it might not be as overt as other people might need it to be or have seen it being or how it is portrayed in everyday life. But it definitely is there. […] It’s nicer to understand someone than to just be mad at them.”
Author: Katherine Bell
Katherine Bell is an undergraduate university student studying art history and philosophy. As a queer, mixed race individual, they are interested in false notions of binary in identity and deconstructing the impact of colonialism on academia/art. You can find their art on Instagram as @2katbell